Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
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Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves