despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
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If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.