despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
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Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.