Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
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My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess