Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
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Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course