Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
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He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.