Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
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“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
This kid is going places
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Born to be mild.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.