Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
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cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works