Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

This is hilarious….

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.