Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
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CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics