Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
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Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved