Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
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me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.