*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
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me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
are they though??
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.