Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

Another interesting #factupdates post!

Ferrari squats

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?