Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

😸

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

The only good comments section online is on recipes

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.