Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…

It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother

LMFAOOOO

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

😆this is so true

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.