Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house