*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
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Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly