*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
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Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival