detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
You Might Also Like
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Anarchy
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”