detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
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[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts