detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
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#have a #great #PancakeDay
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.