@TweetPotato314

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

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@UncleDuke1969

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

@girlwit0filter

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

@citizenkawala

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

@DistractedMomma

Can one of you please tell my ex husband that I died? I feel like it would be more believable coming from someone other than me.

@Whatevah_Amy

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒