detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

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“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”



Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.


93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.


Can one of you please tell my ex husband that I died? I feel like it would be more believable coming from someone other than me.


Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?