detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
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my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this