detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
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when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.