Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

Sharon, call the vet

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.