detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
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[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
How to find Kentucky on a map
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble