Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
You Might Also Like
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Can’t stop laughing
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real