Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
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Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
*names my little horse OneTrick*
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Just got to our Airbnb!
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
God, I love Scotland
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.