Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

Oh deer

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

Sheep

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father