Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
You Might Also Like
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Rich people don’t understand cereal
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines