Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
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Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from