Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
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80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
6: are snakes just neck?