Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
You Might Also Like
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili