Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*