detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
smh
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
he was correct
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%