Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.