Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.