Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.