Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

Finally

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

oh u like geography? name every lake

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks