Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

text from my dad when lebron broke the record