Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

Bed should get ready for ME

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to