Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
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“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Always leave them wanting their money back.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.