Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!