Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.