Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

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As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.