Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
My background check bounced.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction