Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.