Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

I didn’t mean to gain weight

It happened by snaccident

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are