Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
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My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.