detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
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Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
stop
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.