Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker