Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

That’s fair

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.