detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
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girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I beg your pardon?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone
Encore…
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”