detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
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I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady