detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
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Good morning, Twitter 😊
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
i baked you a cake
