detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
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birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
another case of gang violins
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.