Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
You Might Also Like
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Important reminders
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first