@carlyken

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

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@YayForAnxiety

Me: “Hello? Yeah hi I’m calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what’s her number?”

@Shenaniglenns

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

@WheelTod

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

@DrakeGatsby

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

@LuckoftheDraw86

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

@whatmaddness

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

@TomTheWicked

Facebook: “Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?”
Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.

@KielyHealey

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

@sixfootcandy

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.