Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

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Me: “Hello? Yeah hi I’m calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what’s her number?”


Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders


Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol


[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”


Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese


Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.


If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.


Facebook: “Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?”
Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.


I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.


You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.