Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
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WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.