Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

What a year we’ve had this week.

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.