Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

I am a gravy boat captain

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.