Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
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We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*