Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
You Might Also Like
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
what day is it?
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
💀🤣
