Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.