Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

huge valentines day plans this year!!

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

me irl

Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’

Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!