detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

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At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
G: *panicked look*


“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!


Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance


5yo: “Mom, will you get me a yogurt?”
Me: “You’re closer to the fridge.”
5yo: *moves to the other side of the room* “Now you’re closer.”


Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word


Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.


Wife just looked at an 8″x8″ picture and estimated it to be 12″x12″.

Perhaps you can see why I consider this a good thing.


her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires


Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide


9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?