DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
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Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit