Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

😂

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

Breaking news:

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

vegan witches, happy halloween!

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.