Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.