Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
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Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
i wish we could shoplift online
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.