Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

“Great, now I have to pee.”

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart